PARENTS WHO SEPARATE
A CHECKLIST AND SOME BOOKS

When parents separate, and there are children in the family, it is important to remember that it is a stressful time for everyone, and potentially most confusing for the children. Whilst it appears from research that the best outcome for children is for the adults involved to try to help the children to maintain contact with both parents, and to minimise hostility, it is clear that there are some things that parents can do which help children to cope:

• try to give the children as much information as you can about what is happening, and what is likely to happen next, particularly if either the child or the other parent is going to live in a new home. Be reassuring
• encourage the children to go on having a relationship with the other parent, and the rest of their extended family and other important people
• listen to the children, giving them time to express feelings and worries
• try to agree with the other parent what the children will be told (if possible, talk to them together if you can), what the school will be told and what any other important people will be told
• think about a plan for their independent parenting. Please ask us for a copy of a Parenting Plan

• blame the other parent in front of the children, or undermine their relationship with the children
• allow the children to feel that it is their fault
• involve the children as “go betweens”, or burden them with information that should remain confidential to the adults only
• assume that a quiet child is OK – he or she may be finding it hard to express concerns when you are upset yourself. Perhaps someone else can help and listen to the child